I received the message “Sometimes we say mean things out of our own hurt. It’s like we are projecting our fears into our good friends. The people we often hurt the most are the ones that are the closest.  How do we deal with that scenario when we are being attacked?  How can you tell if it was out of fear?”

It happens quite frequently within friendships and relationships when one projects their own anger, fear, and traumas onto the people they consider the closest. In my own opinion, I believe projection often happens within the closer relationships one has because the people you trust the most are the ones you feel most comfortable expressing your emotions to. Often, when arguments occur in friendships or relationships it can cause one’s underlying fears or traumas to come up as a response to what is being said (or even a defense mechanism in some cases). For the most part, when someone gets angry at you irrationally as a defense it could possibly be that there is a deeper meaning to their actions aside from intentionally trying to be mean or over the top.

While I do think projection is understandable at times, I do not think that it justifies their actions. Being on the receiving end of someone attacking you verbally can cause a lot of damage to your mental health. The best thing to do when you are in that position, is to communicate with the other person. Let them know how their actions made YOU feel and check in with them to see if their is any underlying root for the way they acted. When I am put in this scenario, it is hard to not just excuse their actions and be understanding of what they went/are going through because I care a lot for the person. But, I also know that in any case I don’t deserve the treatment just because they are having a hard time.

Of course, still be understanding of their situation and if they can admit fault to their actions. I know that at times trauma, fear, or anger CAN control our actions but that does not mean the actions are just. Also know that if your friendship or relationship constantly has the projection issue, do not feel obligated to stick around because they are having their own issues and you want to be there for them and not be a “bad friend”. Someone else’s projection and trauma dumps can impact your own mental state because this person will then think it is okay to act out and take out their emotions onto you since you’ve let them every other time.

Remember you are not alone. Surrounding yourself with supportive people who love you is where you want to be. If you are in need of immediate attention please seek help.

For mental Health Resources and Support: 988lifeline.org (The National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline).